Who cares what they think

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Imagination, love, heartache, bliss, and passion are just a couple of emotions you should get out of life. At least it would be nice.

Sometimes you feel like you aren’t getting any of these things, like you are just accepting the boring flow also known as your life. We all have days like this where some of us drag our feet and count down the hours until the next day when we know this feeling will pass, and some of us get bat shit crazy and get big ideas in our head we don’t have the time or the energy to follow through on. We all want to stop the dreaded feeling that precious time is sweeping past us in days and moments set on repeat.

Today I am having one of those days. I am having myself a little pity party inside my head. I try not to do that, I really do. I encourage other’s not to , I teach my kids not to feel sorry for themselves(and if they don’t listen I search youtube for videos of starving children in bad living conditions, hey it works), but every now and then the prodding feeling that all I am doing is moving through my days like a freaking robot catches up with me.

I know we all deal with this from time to time, but for some of us, me being one of them, when the idea that I am not doing anything worthwhile starts to balloon up in my head, all I can do is get the cake and sit on the couch and eat it. I think about it too much. I obsess over it too much. I think about how I am not where I want to be, and then I get all out of sorts and get the blues the way I do when I run out of tequila, I realize I don’t even actually know where I want to be, and that It’s OK to not know.

I then try and do things I enjoy, reading, and writing. Writing lets me release all those scattered and scary thoughts racing around in my head, and reading is my blissful escape, my distraction. On days like this I also enjoy locking myself alone in the bedroom while I listen to my two boys screaming and learning how to solve conflict with head butting and hard toys to the head from the downstairs “play area”.

We all have something we like to do to get our mind out of its negative place, working out(only for sane people) or hitting the bottle while trying not to hit our kids (for people like me) are the first few things that pop up in my mind.

I could go on and on about all the reasons I am so lucky. I have my health, my family’s health, my job, my two awesome boys that call me their mom, enough money to get a bean burrito from taco bell, there are many reasons but that’s to easy.

I would much rather focus on being defiant, and challenging and convincing all of you to stop giving a crap. Stop caring. Make sure when you are having these thoughts about your life being insignificant, or hollow, and you are living in a suburban trap that it is actually YOU having the thoughts, and not everyone else’s preconceived notions about what you should be doing. Make sure it’s not because your parents don’t understand why you haven’t finished your college degree(hello raising kids is hard and I am not mentally capable until they reach the age where it is safe to ignore them for a minute or an hour), or if you are set in your career maybe they are constantly asking why you have yet to pop out any little ones(hello does your mother not remember how little that hole is?)

If it is all the other people in your life that make you feel this way, you really need to stop and take control of this. Either by ignoring them, and doing something to get your frustration out (vagina punching not allowed). You can try discussing the way their “suggestions” make you feel, and if these people really love you they will understand, or you can be like me just flat-out tell them to shut up and quit trying to tell you how to live(I need to really work on my communication with family).

The bigger picture here is there really is no point to feel stuck. If you are a stay at home parent and you feel like you are only worthy of wiping butt and cleaning up messes well, you know better. You sometimes cry when you are alone, not because it is a meaningless job but because it is so important that you are scared to mess it up.

If you are a working mom or dad who feel like you get no time for yourself, and you are just joining everyone else in the daily grind with no joy or meaning, incorporate something you are passionate about into your life. Instead of watching Netflix at night do something that makes you feel good. If you feel like all there is to life and all there can ever be is work, work, and more work, you know better.

If you happen to have a career you love and that has deep meaning to you but you still find yourself feeling like you don’t know what you are doing on this earth, or supposed to be doing, stop. You need to stop thinking the next thing is always going to make you closer to happiness and realize you could be living more content if you would let yourself. Stop feeling like you don’t do enough, like you don’t have enough, you know better.

Think about what makes you feel good, and no matter how unrealistic it seems check into it. If its going back to school, for you and you only, check into it. Make some sacrifices. If it’s getting a new job even though you are terrified of change, take small steps and just look and see what’s out there, go to a few interviews, you might be surprised the impression a stranger can make on you, and if you end up with a new job you love you will be  glad you found the courage. If you are content with what are you are doing in the here and now, but others around you encourage you to add more to your plate because they measure success differently than you, screw them.

Find something your passionate about, if you are used to taking direction from other’s and you have no idea what your passion even is, figure it out. Most of have something that we love that has been buried for so long we see no chance of it ever surfacing again. Get a shovel and start digging. That’s what I did. That’s what I’m doing. I am writing because it makes me happy(please don’t tell me if I suck), not to make money not to please anyone except myself. I do it because putting words onto paper where they will forever stay to inspire someone, or make someone think, or change their mood, makes me feel passion, and I need that to feel alive. We all do.

Right now for me, I am going to quit feeling sorry for myself and write more because it makes me happy. I am going to quit obsessing over my future because I have small children and they are my now, and I want to be here in the now. Not stuck in the what if, or I should stage. That’s a dumb way to think.

What my boys are going to remember is me playing ninja turtles with them, and the nightly rough housing that goes on here, (hopefully they will somehow lose memory of me letting them strike each other because I need to finish the last chapter of my book) they will remember how present I was.

More importantly I am going to know that I can raise my family, go to work, and do things I love in my free time. I am going to work on finishing my degree and use my time at night to study instead of watching One Tree Hill.

I am done with feeling meaningless, the party is over,It’s time to hit the brakes and stop operating on autopilot. All that matter’s is how I feel about what I am spending my time doing, not you, not them ,not anyone. So I am going to do what I like to do and what makes me feel meaningful and you should too, because who cares?

I don’t.

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  1. Oh gosh this is how I feel most of the time. I am trying really hard to focus on gratitude and being more present in the time I spend with my kids, rather than robotically going through my days like I had been for sometime. Thank you for a beautiful post x

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