I really wish you were more reasonable, and less like a drunken mental patient.

I mean I love you with all my heart, but you are really testing me when we are running late and you insist on wearing one sock on your hand. Really? You are already wearing two mismatched socks on your feet as it is and you expect me to produce an extra sock last-minute.  You respond to my questions with” Yeah, no.” and no matter how hard I try to figure what this means, I can’t. I just want to get a couple of things off my chest, or more like run them by you since you are the boss now and have been for since you popped out.

Give me a minute before your never-ending requests begin

Can you please, please give me 1 minute when we walk through the door to respond to your instant demand of requests.” Mommy I want the dinosaur movie.” Okay let me get my shoes off first.” No not that dinosaur movie the other one!” I haven’t even turned the T.V on yet you crack head what are you talking about not that one!

Be more clear about your wants

“Mommy I want a snack.” One second mommy is looking to see what we have for dinner (because she normally plans I swear, it’s just tonight we got home late, yeah.) Do you want a granola bar love? (I may or may not really be offering fruit snacks here but let’s pretend it’s a healthy granola bar)” I don’t want to.” You don’t want to what you little….precious prince you?” I neeeeeed a snack” The only thing you are going to be in need of Is a box to live in when you are evicted from this house for a major attitude problem if you don’t work on your communication skills.

Stop being so lazy

“Mommy I need help, I can’t walk.” I look to discover you’re standing in the hallway with a pair of pants and shirt on the floor blocking your pathway.” Can you help?” No, you can walk, just step over it, use those two things connected to your torso- you know your legs? And as I walk off determined not to give into this ridiculous request that is a product of pure toddler laziness on your part, you start screaming,” You can’t leave me here mommy, you can’t leave me!!!!” You scream so loud the neighbors will likely call social services for child abandonment. Let them take you and I might be able to wipe my ass in peace again a couple of times before they return you. And they will.

Quit being a psycho

When you hit your brother, you know you are going to time out, yet you do it anyway. Every. Damn. Time. You are like no other kid I’ve seen in timeout before. When I let you out of time out, instead of coming out you stand by the door screaming “let me out, let me out, I need out!” I tell you that you are out, you are in your doorway but you stand there for another 10 minutes like you are a prisoner. Can you not do that? Can you just come the hell out when I tell you time out is over and then we can move on with our life? Or better yet, stop hitting your brother screaming” I’m big, IM BIG” because you heard him say the word little, and you convinced yourself he was referring to you.

Don’t tease me with the thought of peace

“I tired mommy.” Ok awesome. Let’s get your pjs on and ready for bed. As soon as you woke up from your nap, I’ve been watching the clock until bed time, so I’m glad you are just as ready as I am.” NOOO I don’t wanna go to bed!” Ok. We can stay up a few more minutes and read.” NOOO I tired I don’t wanna go to bed mommy!” You just said you were tired and didn’t want to go to bed in the same sentence dude. . It’s 8 pm and mommy needs her glass of rum, I mean hot cocoa. So, listen up, shut it up, and get your ass to bed!



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